A Million Kisses Underwater
And I Would Rather...
"You can tell me anything, Hazel" I mean the words before and after they exit my mouth.
She takes a sip of her cocoa and inhales deeply before speaking.
I'm pretty sure earliers makeup is smeared all down my face, I stop in my tracks and start undoing the straps around my ankles that hold my heels in place, I'm far enough away from that house now, I'm safe, I hope. I take them off, relieved at the comfort of having my feet flat on the ground again. I'm not a party girl, I'm no good at parties, I've always hated them and now I remember why...
*"You brought fresh meat" he licked his lips and sat down beside me on what used to resemble a couch and now...I don't even know what. My best friend checked her reflection in the smashed mirror, rubbing her slut-red lips together.
"Yeah, she's pretty shy, but I'm sure there's a party girl in there somewhere" she smiled still occupied with her vanity. My stomach dropped, why did it sound like she was trying to sell me at an auction or something? Making my flaws sound more appealing.
"You're a pretty little thing aren't you?" I'm sure the question was rhetorical but even if it wasn't I wouldn't have replied, bile rose in my throat and alarm bells sounded in my head, but funnily enough, I didn't move. He put his hand just above my knee, as if he was testing the water and my heart almost belly flopped out of my chest—but not in a good way.
"Please don't touch me" my voice was small and I wanted to yell at myself to sound strong, even though I'm anything but. I looked desperately at Flo, hoping she'd see how uncomfortable this whole situation was making me and hoping she'd let me just leave. The only reason I was there was because of her.
"So is it just us three tonight or are Klaus and Isabelle joining us?" She finally turned away from her stunning reflection, but her expression frightened me, there was almost fire in her eyes. This isn't my best friend, she looked like her but she definitely didn't act like her.
"It's just us three, they dropped off the coke and they'll be round later on but I wanted you girls to myself" I had to turn my head away from him, he couldn't see the tears forming in my eyes, he'd laugh and I had a feeling she'd laugh too.
Flo sauntered over to her boyfriend and I shuffled over to the right, so she could sit down next to him, happy to get his hand off me and to put as much distance between us as possible. I kept my gaze on the floor but I could hear the sloppy wet noises that came from their lips connecting. Get me out, get me out of here! —Was all I could think.
"Come on, I can't wait any longer" her boyfriend-who's name I still didn't know and didn't care to know—spoke up and he grabbed her hand leading her to the bedroom.
"C'mon Hazel!" Flo cooed and my stomach dropped further—like that was possible. I followed like a lost puppy into the bedroom (although any other lost puppy would take one look at this place and run a mile, so why wasn't I doing that?) loyalty I guess, it always came down to loyalty with Flo and I. I'd do anything for her because she's my best friend.
Even have a threesome with her and her boyfriend.
I entered the bedroom and Flo was already half naked, in her panties and bra and her boyfriend was still fully clothes—minus his shirt. I gritted my teeth.
"You look nervous, do you want to do a line beforehand, to boost up your confidence?" The guy asked holding up some cocaine, I shook my head, my eyes wide. What the hell have I gotten myself into?
"Suit yourself" he shrugged "Put on a show for me, girls" he purred, rolling the 'r' on girls, which made me shudder. As if Flo was under some form of obedience spell, she stalked over to me and stopped toe-to-toe with me, looking me dead in the eyes, she tucked my hair behind my ear and leaned in to kiss me. Everything inside me told me to just tell her to stop and back out and leave, but I knew I'd never live it down. So I let her. I closed my eyes and kissed back, feeling my stomach lurch, I've kissed Flo loads of times, when we've been drunk, you know the way best friends do? But this was different, someone was watching, it was for their personal pleasure and that thought made me want to vomit.
She pulled back and smirked at me, I'm pretty sure my expression was blank because that's how I felt, blank, numb and...sick. She began kissing my neck and my collarbones, I heard the guy groan but I didn't bother to look his way I didn't want to know what he was doing. She began sliding up my dress, I co-operated and lifted my arms so she could pull it over my head.
"What the fuck are they?" The quiet was shattered as Mr. No Name spoke, we both looked at him confused and he pointed to my legs. Reality smashed me in the face, the burns, my burns. I suddenly felt even more vulnerable than before, I put my hands on my thighs doing my best to cover them, the fuck good that did. "That's gross!" He stated and tears built up in my eyes. I looked at Flo and she avoided my gaze. Spineless bitch!
Having your insecurities pointed out by a complete stranger hurt like a bitch but when you're best friend stood there doing anything but defending you, that was a pain nothing could compare to.
I grabbed my dress from its discarded position on the floor and pulled it back on, pulling it down further than it was actually supposed to go, making damn sure the ugliness was hidden properly.
"I-I should g-go" I stuttered and then rushed out of the bedroom and out of the shit hole as quickly as I could*
I wipe at my eyes, trying my best to read my phone screen. My finger hesitates over the call button but after a few seconds I press it.
"Hazel, why are you calling? It's late" my mom's voice sounds at the other end of the line and relief fills me.
"I know, I'm sorry if I woke you. Could you please pick me up?" I try my best to sound normal, like I haven't been crying, but I fail.
"Has something happened? What's wrong?" She doesn't really sound concerned like any other mother would in this situation but she doesn't sound uninterested.
"Nothing, no I'm fine. It's just really cold and late and it's raining" I lie. The rain is a pathetic excuse for rain, not heavy at all, but I'm hoping it'll convince her to pick me up.
"Fine. Let me go get dressed, dammit. Text me your location" she ends the call abruptly and I stare at the phone for a few seconds - excuse me for being such a huge inconvenience.
I text her my location and begin heading in the direction I know she'll be coming from (just being polite and meeting her half way) his words keep running through my head.
Fresh meat—meat...how derogatory is that? My stomach churns and I can't fight back the tears anymore, I begin full on sobbing in the middle of the street, sobbing for everything that could have happen, everything that didn't happen, everything I am and everything I'm not. My head is a blur, a hellish blur and I want to disappear for a while and get away from all the negative thoughts.
Before I can stop myself I let out a piercing scream. Letting it claw at my ears and hurt my throat, I scream for the yesterday that was never good enough, I scream for today that supposed to be a better tomorrow, I scream for tomorrow which will probably be just as horrific, I scream for everything and anything, simply because I can.
I approach the bridge that is usually crammed with cars in the daytime but its empty because its almost three am. The tears are blurring my vision and my bare feet are sore from all the stones I've stood on, I don't care though, nothing matters. I feel my energy run out, drained like a battery, lifeless. I collapse to the floor, my knees probably bleeding from the friction of the uneven ground against them. I hate it all, I hate Flo and my mom and myself and life in general. I hate dressing like a girly girl and acting like my life is perfect. I just hate. That's all I feel, hate.
My thoughts are stopped abruptly as two bright lights blind me, I freeze immediately. Why does that happen? In the moments where you need to run, get out of the way or move—you can't, you're pinned motionless by fear. I manage to get to my feet and stand, allowing the car to see my existence, but then a thought crosses my mind—what if I don't want the car to stop? What if I want the car to speed up and run right over me? The thought makes me smile, weirdly. I tilt my head up to the sky and put my arms out wide, embracing the fact that this is probably the end, and I'm not scared anymore, something inside me settles and for once I'm aware of what peace feels like.
But it never comes, all of a sudden I'm shadowed in darkness and I open my eyes, the car that was barreling over the bridge towards me is now swerving out of control.
Everything feels like slow motion, my mouth is hanging open—and rightly so. The car is turning around and around, skidding across the wet ground...bam, it smashes against the barrier of the bridge and my heart leaps as the barrier gives way and the car keeps going.
"No!" I scream distraught but its all muffled because of the sound of crushing metal and breaking barriers. Then suddenly it feels like everything is in fast forward and I drop to my knees once more, my hands on either side of my face as the sound of the car hitting the water fills the air.
What the fuck have I done?
"Hello 911, what's your emergency?" The blunt voice on the other end spoke but I barley hear her over the sound of my own heart trying to force its way out of my chest.
"Ambulance. Renal bridge. Car. Water." Was all I could choke out between sobs.
"Sorry ma'am, what's your emergency?" The voice repeated.
"Just send a fucking ambulance to Renal Bridge for fuck sake oh my god" I'm in hysterics. This is all my fault, this is all my fucking fault.
"Your parents were in the car?" I whisper once she stops talking. She's looking at her lap, trying to disguise the fact she's crying but I know she is, she nods ashamed. "I know you think it was your fault, but as an outsider, I don't think it was."
"I stood there, with no clue it was them, waiting for them to run me over, waiting for them to kill me, and it ended up the other way around. How did it end up like that, Vic? I killed them, me, their daughter, I killed them." I don't have any comforting words running round my brain so I stand and walk over to her, wrapping her in my arms and rocking her gently as she cries.
"It's so messed up" she sobs and I tell her it's okay, it's all going to be okay. I want to make it okay, for her. "I stood there waiting for them to kill me and I ended up killing them. How's that for being born under a bad sign" her laugh is bitter and my heart hurts for her. She's so vulnerable and I have this incessant need inside me to protect her.
"I'll get you some tissue, where's your restroom?" I ask.
"Down the hall, to the left" she mumbles, I kiss the top of her head and head that way.
After getting her some tissue to wipe her runny nose and her eyes with I'm about to head back to the kitchen, but something catches my eye in the room adjacent to the bathroom, or should I say someone familiar.
Me.
I know it's wrong to snoop and honestly I wouldn't usually but the door is wide open, its almost like an invitation. I quickly creep inside, the walls are a deep purple and there's posters everywhere, You Me At Six, Letlive, Paramore, Asking Alexandria, The Amity Affliction, La Dispute. Oh and what do you know...three Pierce The Veil posters. So she's known who I am this whole time?
I exit the room quickly, leaving the door wide open as it was and head back to the kitchen.
"Here" I hand her the tissue and she thanks me, wiping her eyes repeatedly and then her nose.
I know it's not the right time at all but I can't help myself. "So you like Pierce The Veil?" I blurt.
She looks up at me, her jaw drops and her eyes go wide as if she's a deer in the headlights.
Busted!
She takes a sip of her cocoa and inhales deeply before speaking.
I'm pretty sure earliers makeup is smeared all down my face, I stop in my tracks and start undoing the straps around my ankles that hold my heels in place, I'm far enough away from that house now, I'm safe, I hope. I take them off, relieved at the comfort of having my feet flat on the ground again. I'm not a party girl, I'm no good at parties, I've always hated them and now I remember why...
*"You brought fresh meat" he licked his lips and sat down beside me on what used to resemble a couch and now...I don't even know what. My best friend checked her reflection in the smashed mirror, rubbing her slut-red lips together.
"Yeah, she's pretty shy, but I'm sure there's a party girl in there somewhere" she smiled still occupied with her vanity. My stomach dropped, why did it sound like she was trying to sell me at an auction or something? Making my flaws sound more appealing.
"You're a pretty little thing aren't you?" I'm sure the question was rhetorical but even if it wasn't I wouldn't have replied, bile rose in my throat and alarm bells sounded in my head, but funnily enough, I didn't move. He put his hand just above my knee, as if he was testing the water and my heart almost belly flopped out of my chest—but not in a good way.
"Please don't touch me" my voice was small and I wanted to yell at myself to sound strong, even though I'm anything but. I looked desperately at Flo, hoping she'd see how uncomfortable this whole situation was making me and hoping she'd let me just leave. The only reason I was there was because of her.
"So is it just us three tonight or are Klaus and Isabelle joining us?" She finally turned away from her stunning reflection, but her expression frightened me, there was almost fire in her eyes. This isn't my best friend, she looked like her but she definitely didn't act like her.
"It's just us three, they dropped off the coke and they'll be round later on but I wanted you girls to myself" I had to turn my head away from him, he couldn't see the tears forming in my eyes, he'd laugh and I had a feeling she'd laugh too.
Flo sauntered over to her boyfriend and I shuffled over to the right, so she could sit down next to him, happy to get his hand off me and to put as much distance between us as possible. I kept my gaze on the floor but I could hear the sloppy wet noises that came from their lips connecting. Get me out, get me out of here! —Was all I could think.
"Come on, I can't wait any longer" her boyfriend-who's name I still didn't know and didn't care to know—spoke up and he grabbed her hand leading her to the bedroom.
"C'mon Hazel!" Flo cooed and my stomach dropped further—like that was possible. I followed like a lost puppy into the bedroom (although any other lost puppy would take one look at this place and run a mile, so why wasn't I doing that?) loyalty I guess, it always came down to loyalty with Flo and I. I'd do anything for her because she's my best friend.
Even have a threesome with her and her boyfriend.
I entered the bedroom and Flo was already half naked, in her panties and bra and her boyfriend was still fully clothes—minus his shirt. I gritted my teeth.
"You look nervous, do you want to do a line beforehand, to boost up your confidence?" The guy asked holding up some cocaine, I shook my head, my eyes wide. What the hell have I gotten myself into?
"Suit yourself" he shrugged "Put on a show for me, girls" he purred, rolling the 'r' on girls, which made me shudder. As if Flo was under some form of obedience spell, she stalked over to me and stopped toe-to-toe with me, looking me dead in the eyes, she tucked my hair behind my ear and leaned in to kiss me. Everything inside me told me to just tell her to stop and back out and leave, but I knew I'd never live it down. So I let her. I closed my eyes and kissed back, feeling my stomach lurch, I've kissed Flo loads of times, when we've been drunk, you know the way best friends do? But this was different, someone was watching, it was for their personal pleasure and that thought made me want to vomit.
She pulled back and smirked at me, I'm pretty sure my expression was blank because that's how I felt, blank, numb and...sick. She began kissing my neck and my collarbones, I heard the guy groan but I didn't bother to look his way I didn't want to know what he was doing. She began sliding up my dress, I co-operated and lifted my arms so she could pull it over my head.
"What the fuck are they?" The quiet was shattered as Mr. No Name spoke, we both looked at him confused and he pointed to my legs. Reality smashed me in the face, the burns, my burns. I suddenly felt even more vulnerable than before, I put my hands on my thighs doing my best to cover them, the fuck good that did. "That's gross!" He stated and tears built up in my eyes. I looked at Flo and she avoided my gaze. Spineless bitch!
Having your insecurities pointed out by a complete stranger hurt like a bitch but when you're best friend stood there doing anything but defending you, that was a pain nothing could compare to.
I grabbed my dress from its discarded position on the floor and pulled it back on, pulling it down further than it was actually supposed to go, making damn sure the ugliness was hidden properly.
"I-I should g-go" I stuttered and then rushed out of the bedroom and out of the shit hole as quickly as I could*
I wipe at my eyes, trying my best to read my phone screen. My finger hesitates over the call button but after a few seconds I press it.
"Hazel, why are you calling? It's late" my mom's voice sounds at the other end of the line and relief fills me.
"I know, I'm sorry if I woke you. Could you please pick me up?" I try my best to sound normal, like I haven't been crying, but I fail.
"Has something happened? What's wrong?" She doesn't really sound concerned like any other mother would in this situation but she doesn't sound uninterested.
"Nothing, no I'm fine. It's just really cold and late and it's raining" I lie. The rain is a pathetic excuse for rain, not heavy at all, but I'm hoping it'll convince her to pick me up.
"Fine. Let me go get dressed, dammit. Text me your location" she ends the call abruptly and I stare at the phone for a few seconds - excuse me for being such a huge inconvenience.
I text her my location and begin heading in the direction I know she'll be coming from (just being polite and meeting her half way) his words keep running through my head.
Fresh meat—meat...how derogatory is that? My stomach churns and I can't fight back the tears anymore, I begin full on sobbing in the middle of the street, sobbing for everything that could have happen, everything that didn't happen, everything I am and everything I'm not. My head is a blur, a hellish blur and I want to disappear for a while and get away from all the negative thoughts.
Before I can stop myself I let out a piercing scream. Letting it claw at my ears and hurt my throat, I scream for the yesterday that was never good enough, I scream for today that supposed to be a better tomorrow, I scream for tomorrow which will probably be just as horrific, I scream for everything and anything, simply because I can.
I approach the bridge that is usually crammed with cars in the daytime but its empty because its almost three am. The tears are blurring my vision and my bare feet are sore from all the stones I've stood on, I don't care though, nothing matters. I feel my energy run out, drained like a battery, lifeless. I collapse to the floor, my knees probably bleeding from the friction of the uneven ground against them. I hate it all, I hate Flo and my mom and myself and life in general. I hate dressing like a girly girl and acting like my life is perfect. I just hate. That's all I feel, hate.
My thoughts are stopped abruptly as two bright lights blind me, I freeze immediately. Why does that happen? In the moments where you need to run, get out of the way or move—you can't, you're pinned motionless by fear. I manage to get to my feet and stand, allowing the car to see my existence, but then a thought crosses my mind—what if I don't want the car to stop? What if I want the car to speed up and run right over me? The thought makes me smile, weirdly. I tilt my head up to the sky and put my arms out wide, embracing the fact that this is probably the end, and I'm not scared anymore, something inside me settles and for once I'm aware of what peace feels like.
But it never comes, all of a sudden I'm shadowed in darkness and I open my eyes, the car that was barreling over the bridge towards me is now swerving out of control.
Everything feels like slow motion, my mouth is hanging open—and rightly so. The car is turning around and around, skidding across the wet ground...bam, it smashes against the barrier of the bridge and my heart leaps as the barrier gives way and the car keeps going.
"No!" I scream distraught but its all muffled because of the sound of crushing metal and breaking barriers. Then suddenly it feels like everything is in fast forward and I drop to my knees once more, my hands on either side of my face as the sound of the car hitting the water fills the air.
What the fuck have I done?
"Hello 911, what's your emergency?" The blunt voice on the other end spoke but I barley hear her over the sound of my own heart trying to force its way out of my chest.
"Ambulance. Renal bridge. Car. Water." Was all I could choke out between sobs.
"Sorry ma'am, what's your emergency?" The voice repeated.
"Just send a fucking ambulance to Renal Bridge for fuck sake oh my god" I'm in hysterics. This is all my fault, this is all my fucking fault.
"Your parents were in the car?" I whisper once she stops talking. She's looking at her lap, trying to disguise the fact she's crying but I know she is, she nods ashamed. "I know you think it was your fault, but as an outsider, I don't think it was."
"I stood there, with no clue it was them, waiting for them to run me over, waiting for them to kill me, and it ended up the other way around. How did it end up like that, Vic? I killed them, me, their daughter, I killed them." I don't have any comforting words running round my brain so I stand and walk over to her, wrapping her in my arms and rocking her gently as she cries.
"It's so messed up" she sobs and I tell her it's okay, it's all going to be okay. I want to make it okay, for her. "I stood there waiting for them to kill me and I ended up killing them. How's that for being born under a bad sign" her laugh is bitter and my heart hurts for her. She's so vulnerable and I have this incessant need inside me to protect her.
"I'll get you some tissue, where's your restroom?" I ask.
"Down the hall, to the left" she mumbles, I kiss the top of her head and head that way.
After getting her some tissue to wipe her runny nose and her eyes with I'm about to head back to the kitchen, but something catches my eye in the room adjacent to the bathroom, or should I say someone familiar.
Me.
I know it's wrong to snoop and honestly I wouldn't usually but the door is wide open, its almost like an invitation. I quickly creep inside, the walls are a deep purple and there's posters everywhere, You Me At Six, Letlive, Paramore, Asking Alexandria, The Amity Affliction, La Dispute. Oh and what do you know...three Pierce The Veil posters. So she's known who I am this whole time?
I exit the room quickly, leaving the door wide open as it was and head back to the kitchen.
"Here" I hand her the tissue and she thanks me, wiping her eyes repeatedly and then her nose.
I know it's not the right time at all but I can't help myself. "So you like Pierce The Veil?" I blurt.
She looks up at me, her jaw drops and her eyes go wide as if she's a deer in the headlights.
Busted!
Notes
BOOM. I was so hyped to write this chapter. It's so long haha.Thanks to Claire (Clairephernelia) for helping me develop my basic ideas into better ones, you are a gem! :)
1. I know the very first chapter of this story is titled the same as this chapter but I'm going to change that because this leads on from the last chapter and the titles fit well together
2. The italics are in Hazel's point of view. (to clear up any confusion)
3. The writing between the '*' is kind of a flashback within a flashback. (Like she's having a flashback but it's written in the present tense so it's happening right then and then she's recalling what has just happened so it's written in the past tense) I hope it's not too confusing!
I can't get Muther by Letlive out of my head omg
Please give feedback, thank you!:)
And check out my new story Little Lady :)
Thanks for everything :)
forever never getting over this
4/22/14