As soon as we finished playing our game of dance central, All Time Low came knocking on the bus door, announcing that they were ready to grill some carne asada. As soon as we exited the bus, Jack was running to my side. He picked me up, wrapping his arms around my stiff body, and spun me in a circle.

"Samia, oh my, Samia! How I love you so!"

"Put the woman down, Jack," Alex reprimanded.

Jack listened - much to my surprise - and set me back down on the ground. I punched his arm lightly in a response and then walked over to where Alex was standing with open arms. I fell into them easily, finding comfort in his embrace. I let out a rugged sigh as I suddenly felt the urge to cry into his shoulder - I missed Alex. I missed the friendship I used to have with him.

"You haven't been around much," Alex pointed out. "You've ditched me for these chumps." I felt Alex nod in the direction of Pierce the Veil and could hear Jaime laugh in response.

Alex let go of me, keeping an arm wrapped loosely around my shoulders. "She used to be my best friend, you know? My warped tour buddy!"

"They kidnapped me," I said with a smile. "I was held against my will, promise."

"Good; I knew you wouldn't willingly ditch me like that."

And just like that it was decided that Alex and I were going to start seeing each other more. Alex was the only person who knew about my life before everything happened, but even then he hardly knew anything at all. We had grown distant after I left for a few years, and I really wished that I would have given more of an effort to spend time with him this summer.

Alex kept me attached to his hip as he manned the grill – flipping over the meat when need-be and adding an array spices. When the meat was nearly done, he set an assortment of chopped vegetables wrapped in foil onto the top rack to grill those as well. Alex was an amazing cook, and watching him prepare the food also made me question why I had ditched him this tour. With him around, I never went hungry and I didn’t have to get the horrible food at catering.

“So,” Alex whispered lowly as he checked on the vegetables. “I saw you sneaking around with Austin Carlile the other night. Care to explain?”

My body tensed at his words. How could I have dumb enough to think that nobody would notice us sneaking into the venue restrooms? There were tons of bands on this tour, and even though plenty of the members didn’t know me, they sure knew Austin, and it’s not like they wouldn’t recognize me from working backstage. Although many band members hooked up with roadies and it wasn’t really that big of a deal, to me it was.

I found myself turning to look at Vic. He was sitting around a small bonfire fit, laughing at something Jack had done or said. We locked eyes for a brief moment and he sent me a subtle wink. I couldn’t help but continue to stare, even after he looked away. Vic was beautiful – inside and out, and I wished that I could allow him to break down my walls, but I just couldn’t. And even though I didn’t want anything serious with Vic, I still didn’t want him to find out about Austin. Vic and Austin were friends, and especially after lying directly to Vic’s face when we ran into Austin, there was no way I could allow Vic to find out.

“Ah,” Alex said softly, catching onto my gaze. I turned back toward him quickly, a blush on my cheeks and worry in my eyes. He pulled his fingers across his lips as if he were zipping them shut and then pretended to lock them and toss the key over his shoulder. I smiled at him and leaned into his side a bit more.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Y’know, both dudes are great, but just know that they are completely different. You need to figure out what you’re looking for and pick one,” Alex added, quietly. “I mean, that’s just my two cents. You don’t have to listen to me if you don’t want to.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Thank you for that. I think I needed to hear that.”

The conversation died after that, and I decided that I did need to make a decision and figure out exactly what I was looking to accomplish with my encounters with Austin and my possible development of feelings for Vic. All I knew was that I couldn’t get serious – it was too soon for me to jump into any sort of relationship. I couldn’t allow myself to up open just yet, and that wouldn’t be fair to Vic.

And Austin, on the other hand…well, I didn’t know what was going on with him. The sex sucked, and I felt guilty after every meeting with him. But yet, the thrill of being with something like Austin kept me returning to him. That, and my fear of settling down. Austin was a distraction from Vic, and that was honestly exactly what I needed to make sure that I didn’t fall too far in my trust for Vic.

“Samia!” Mike called me over to where he was standing next to the bus with Zack Merrick, the bassist of All Time Low. I hesitantly approached them, clutching my water bottle close to my chest with both hands. “How’s it going?” he asked.

“Good,” I said slowly, unsure of what was going on. “What’s up?”

“Relax, why are you so on edge?” Mike chuckled as he pulled a cigarette out of the box that was in his hands. He handed me one, making sure to keep his fingers on one end, giving me plenty of room to grab the cigarette without worrying about our hands touching.

Instead, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my own pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I held them up for a second to let him know that I was going to take one of my own and he just shrugged and put the cigarette back in the box before concealing the box in the pocket of his jeans. I lit up the end of my cigarette with my right hand with my water bottle held my water bottle and blocked the wind at the same time. I took in a long drag, feeling the tar burn my lungs and the nicotine fill my cravings. The edge seemed to vanish immediately. I hated how dependent I was on cigarettes, but then again, I was extremely thankful for them at the same time. Without them my anxiety would be through the roof.

“Smoking is nasty,” Zack commented as he fanned away the smoke that our sticks had produced.

I chuckled a bit and fanned my hand as I blew out my smoke. “Sorry,” I said through the smoke. “It’s a nasty habit, I know.”

“Anything to pass the time,” Mike mumbled. Zack didn’t hear him, though, but I sure did. And I knew exactly what he was talking about. Anything to make life pass by quicker. Even if it meant smoking cigarette after cigarette to decay this haunted body.

Zack dismissed himself after a few moments and headed over to Alex to help him with cleaning up the grills while the food cooled down.

“How long have you been smoking for?” Mike asked, breaking the silence that had just started to shrill in my ears.

“A long time,” I commented with a laugh as I exhaled. “You?”

“High School,” he said with a nod. “So, yeah, a long time, also.”

We each chuckled and then suddenly the air grew awkward as Mike stomped out his cigarette. He didn’t leave though, he stood right beside me and waited for me to finish my own cigarette. I waited for him to say something, and I wished that I had something to say, but I didn’t. Earlier my conversation with Mike came so easily, but now my mind was hazy with Alex’s words and Vic’s words. I couldn’t get Vic’s smile and wink out of my eyes. Every time I blinked, I saw his wavy brown hair and hooded brown eyes looking at me.

“Um,” Mike cleared his throat. “What’s your schedule like tomorrow?” he asked.

I tried to shake the image of Vic that played against my eyelids so I could focus on talking to Mike, but it was difficult. When I first met Mike, I couldn’t see much of a resemblance between the siblings, but now, when Vic wouldn’t leave my head, all I could see were their similarities. “I don’t know yet,” I finally answered. “Why?”

“I just wanted to see if you were down to hang. Maybe you could come work the merch tent while we do our meet and greet?”

I loved his attempt, but when I thought about working the merch tent all I could envision was hands flying around and frantically grabbing for t-shirts. The image itself made my anxiety rise. “That’s a great idea, but um…” I held up my free hand and waved it a little bit. “…hands,” I muttered, “not my thing.”

Mike lifted his hand to his face and covered his eyes while he groaned and slouched over just a little bit. “I’m sorry,” he said, lamely. “I wasn’t thinking.”

I chuckled a bit as I took my last drag of the cigarette and dropped it down onto the ground. “It’s fine,” I said as I squished the cigarette with my Vans. “It’s kind of a weird phobia to have.”

“I wouldn’t really consider it a phobia,” Mike said with a shrug. “Maybe more of a precaution.”

I smiled widely at Mike who was giving me the same exact look. For a moment when I looked into his eyes I could see that he actually understood. Without knowing anything about me, he just got it. I didn’t even notice the proximity that was between us – we were now standing a bit closer than two acquaintances – or even friends – would stand. I broke out gaze and took a step back, looking down at the ground as I did so. As if just on time, I hear Alex announce that the food was ready.

I gave Mike another small smile, without meeting his gaze, before I turned to walk away and get some food.

The rest of the night was uneventful, and I actually staid the entire time, right up until we reached our curfew and had to retreat to our proper buses for bus call. Vic insisted that I stay the night on his bus so I could hang out and watch movies with him, but I decided that it would be best if I went to my own bunk. I needed some space from Vic so I could try to understand what was running through my mind.

Instead of thinking, though, I went straight to bed, but it wasn’t long before my sleep was disturbed by the hauntings of my own lifetime.

“He’s dead, Samia!” my father shouted, raising his arms into the air.

“No,” I muttered, my mind still clouded by the alcohol. “He can’t be. That’s impossible.”

“What were you thinking? You have a newborn child at home! Now, what? Annamaria will never know her father because of you.”

I shook my head, the harsh actions scorched my senses and sending my body in a fit of pain. I tensed up as a reflex and my heart rate naturally increased. The nurses rushed in and tried to get me to relax, they started to pull my limbs out straight to make me stop resisting them, but I continued to writhe in pain – not physical pain though. The stiches and breaks and cuts didn’t seem to matter anymore, instead it was my insides. My heart hurt from the words of my father, and my mind hurt from the harsh truth of my father’s words.

“What have you, done, Samia?” he cried out, shaking it head as a few tears escaped his eyes. He began to exit the room, and for some reason I just knew that he wouldn’t be back. He was walking away from my life – he was leaving me behind.

“Dad! Wait, don’t go, please,” I begged, screaming out after him as the nurses finally were able to get a hold of my limbs. One nurse injected something into my IV, but I didn’t pay attention to whatever she was doing – I was watching my father.

He turned back around and came back into the room, and for a moment I thought he was going to have a seat and be there to comfort me.

But instead he gave me a frown, his eyes angry and his nostrils flared, but there was still sadness leaking from his wide eyes. “I didn’t raise an irresponsible alcoholic…you’re no daughter of mine.”

I woke up in a fit of tears, but that’s not what actually pulled me from my slumber, instead Dan was hovering over me, his hands gently resting on my shoulders. His eyes were wide and worried, but the bags under his eyes were evident. “Samia! Are you okay?” he whisper-yelled.

I was silent for a moment as I tried to regain my composure and understand exactly what was going on. I was lying in my bunk and I could hear the slight snores of neighboring roadies and the sound of the freeway beneath the tires of the tour bus. It was strange how I felt safe on the road, even though I couldn’t escape my memories, I could at least escape the lack of stability my life back in LA had waiting for me.

“Sam?” Dan asked, bringing my attention back to him.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. “Just a bad dream.” I tried to turn back over and face my back to him, but he held my shoulders down so I couldn’t move.

“Your crying woke me up, Samia,” he said. “Is there something you need to talk about?”

Was there? Did I need to talk about it? Yes. But did I want to? No, definitely not.

But even still, I couldn’t stop myself from erupting into a fit of tears once again. Dan looked panicked, like he didn’t know what to do.

“I killed him,” I stuttered out. “These hands…” I lifted my hands up so I could stare at the scars that cursed my skin.

“Shit…” Dan muttered as he looked left and right. “Let’s go to the back lounge and talk, okay?”

I nodded and followed Dan into the back of the bus. We each sat down on the couches and just sat there. I decided that it was time – it was time for me to get rid of this burden. And I figured Dan was the perfect person. I had known Dan for ages and we weren’t all that close so I didn’t have to worry about him trying to talk about it all of the time. I knew that I could trust Dan, even if I didn’t know him, and that was enough for me.

“It was a…” I paused for a moment, already finding it too hard to go on. I decided to clear my throat and relax my mind, and then started over. “It was a drunk driving accident. I…I was the driver. He was my passenger.”

“Who? Your fiancé?” Dan asked. “Ryker?”

I cringed at the sound of his name, but not because it was bad, necessarily, but because the name made me picture his face, and I didn’t want to picture him. I didn’t want to see his shaggy blonde hair, or his deep, sensual eyes. I didn’t want to trace over each of his tattoos with my memory, I didn’t want to try and remember the feeling of his lips against my skin. But I did, and there was nothing I could do now. “Yes,” I said softly. “He’s dead, Dan.”

Dan’s eyes grew wide and I could feel the emotions fill the room as Dan was lost in his thoughts, and probably his memories. Dan had met Ryker once, and I knew that he was doing what I had just done – he was replaying his memory of him, making the news even more painful.

“I killed him,” I said. “We were drunk – like we always were. We made a vow as we stepped into the car that we would never drink again. We were going to sober up our lives for Annamaria…”

“Who’s Annamaria?” he asked. He was silent for a moment, but then he seemed to connect the dots. “Your daughter?” he asked softly, but his words almost weren’t a question, almost as if he already knew.

I just nodded in response, immediately picturing what I thought Annamaria might look like at her age. The last time I had seen her she was just a baby – the only thing I could remember was that she had Ryker’s eyes – so deep and always full of emotion. I knew it the second she was born. Her pupils were large and the color was already beginning to show. By the time she was a couple months old, her eyes were dark and always so full of wonder and love. I hoped that they looked the same.

I couldn’t finish saying anything to Dan – I had already said too much. Instead I pulled my knees up to my chest and curled into Dan’s side. His draped an arm around my shoulders, careful not to allow him to get too close to me. The gesture was awkward, but yet comforting.

I fell asleep like that, and even though I had only revealed a tiny bit of information, I felt so much better. I felt like maybe I could face this, little by little.

Notes

Here's a super short update for you guys! I just really needed to get SOMETHING posted because I didn't want you guys to wait forever!

What do you think about Samia admitting to what happened? Do you think that's all that is weighing down on her?

Thanks so much for reading!

ALSO! I HAVE A NEW STORY OUT! This time it's a COLLABORATION with my good friend, Jolee (aka de3ja-ent3ndu) It's called Now It's Your Turn To Run and it is going to have a romance with not one, but TWO band members since there are going to be TWO main characters! Check it out! I think you guys will like it! We have so much in store for it and already have a preface and the first chapter posted! Not to mention we have a few chapters prewritten so updates will be somewhat frequent for a while! Go subscribe and comment on that!

LOVE YOU ALL! XOXO