The power trip lasted another two days before the rumors were finally dismissed. Austin stopped spreading them, and people stopped talking about them. I wished that I could say that things were back to normal, but they weren’t. In the process of trying to get myself back to living in the shadows, I had to make some new friends in the process. Although it did feel nice to have more than three people say hi to me, I hated making connections with people. I wanted them to back away but I didn’t know how to make them without completely traumatizing them.

I had done a decent job of avoiding Dan, Vic, and Austin, but Mike was still around. I didn’t mind that Mike was still by my side, for some reason. I was trying so hard not to trust him, but I did. I trusted him too much. Almost as much as I trusted Vic.

The tour had hit Washington, DC and to say the least, I was exhausted. The buses had successfully been across the United States, from one end to the other and now it was starting to loop back around, before we headed to the South East states. I had almost forgotten how physically demanding the job as a roadie was, but only almost. Although it wasn’t the best career choice to have, it was my number one choice.

The days were starting to blur by and I could hardly tell them apart anymore. With no one important by your side or waiting for you back at home, the days started to go by faster and faster, with nothing to account for them. The day in Washington, DC was over just as fast as the other few days and I decided to try and give a little time to myself. There was still a few hours before the buses left and I decided to go to the Rest Area down the street from the venue to shower and shave and really clean myself without having to worry about saving hot water for the long line of musicians waiting their turn.

“So what’s the plan for tonight?” Mike’s voice boomed through the restrooms and I nearly screamed. How did Mike know I would be in there? Just as I was about to reply, though, I realized that he wasn’t talking to me at all. “Heading to the bonfire dinner or drinking inside the bus?”

For a moment there was no response at all. I quickly shut off the shower and tried my best to remain quiet. Luckily the showers were in a separate room that branched off to the side, leaving the area more secluded. I thought that maybe Mike and whoever he was with would do their business and leave, leaving a clear escape for myself, but when the person Mike was talking to took forever to reply, I realized that they were just standing in the restrooms. And in the women’s restrooms.

“Come on, don’t just sit in the bus moping around like the past two nights. Can you please be a normal human being again? Seeing you like this is really bringing the rest of us down.”

“What’s it matter what I do tonight? You’ll probably just go hang out with her anyway.”

My body ached at his voice. I tried my hardest not to fall down from the pain that coursed through me, and I barely managed to set my equilibrium straight. The other person with Mike was Vic. Of course, I should have known. I knew that Mike and Vic were extremely close, but after being able to avoid Vic so successfully, I just kind of assumed that Mike and Vic weren’t really associating with each other as much anymore. But I was wrong.

“Dude, you fucked that up, so stop acting like she did something wrong here,” Mike replied. So Mike did know about the slap? Vic must have told him about our altercation because I never mentioned it. I put it so far into the back of my head that it felt like something that had happened years ago. “Just be a fucking man and apologize, you know she’s dying for you to.”

“I don’t think so, she made it clearly that she didn’t want us to be together,” Vic responded. Did Vic tell Mike everything? Did he tell Mike about how we slept together? About the attraction we had between us? Pain coursed through my body, and not because Vic had told our secret to his brother, but because he really did want to be with me. He wanted people to know about me. He wanted to risk all odds against us – even though most of the odds fighting a relationship was me and my past. I felt pain because deep down I knew that I wanted to fall into whatever was going on with Vic, so badly, I wanted to risk everything, but I still couldn’t. It was getting to the point where I was annoyed at myself with how resistant I was being. But it was out of my control, as soon as I would try to get a hold on my feelings, they would slip right through my dented and scarred hands and collide with my memories of the past, reminding me why I could never get close to another human being again.

Mike’s voice spoke up again, but my vision began to blur and my head was spinning. I felt like I was going to pass out. I reached up to rub my stinging eyes and I wasn’t sure if I was crying or I was just wet from the shower I had just taken. My frustration clouded my judgment and I took a step back, my back making contact with the cool concrete of the shower wall, an involuntary gasp escaping my lips, completely blowing my cover. I quickly exited the shower, forcing my senses to come back to me to hear nothing but silence. I grabbed my towel and quickly wrapped it around my body before shoving my belongings into my backpack, not caring that the clothes I had brought to change into were getting soaked from the water droplets that remained on my shampoo bottles.

I grabbed my backpack and exited the shower room quickly, holding my breath as I did so. I didn’t stop when Mike said my name, and I didn’t stop when I felt Vic hand reach out for my own – the proximity didn’t make me want to pull away, it made my hand long for his, long for the connection we couldn’t deny.

I ran to the men’s restroom just across the way, figuring they wouldn’t check there, and quickly changed into my clothing that I brought. I went to put my hair up into a messy bun, but my hair-tie broke in the process. “Fuck,” I cursed as I ran my fingers through my hair to get it out of my face. I slung my backpack over one shoulder before reaching my free arm back to pull the strap up my other, but not before making sure I had a lit cigarette between my lips. I waited for a moment, listening closely to make sure that Mike and Vic were nowhere around and then casually exited the restroom. I took my time wandering around the lot. Mike and Vic were probably looking for me on their way back to the venue, so I figured I would wait until the last minute before heading back to the bus.

I hummed to myself as I strolled around with the cigarette between my lips, browsing the vending machines looking for some snacks that I could stock up on. I put my quarters into the machine and got a small bag of Bugles, some licorice, a small pack of oreos, and a mountain dew. I shoved everything but the mountain dew and Bugles into my backpack before putting it back on. Night was beginning to fall and there was a pleasant chill in the air. It was actually nice enough to put jeans on for the first time in the entire summer and I was taking advantage of the weather in Washington DC to the best of my ability.

I opened my bag of Bugles and pulled out one of the cone-shaped chips and stared at it for a moment before smiling to myself as I placed the chip over the top of my index finger. I examined my finger for a moment before proceeding on to put a chip on the rest of my fingers. I stared at them, smiling like a fool, as I pretended to have just gotten my nails done.

I used to care about how I looked back when Ryker and I first got engaged. I would make sure my hair was shiny and lively – always taken care of and styled to match my outfits. I would attempt to do some makeup, but I rarely wore any since Ryker loved natural beauty more than anything. And I would get my nails done. My nails used to be long and I would take such good care of them. I would always get manicures and designs painted onto my nails. I used to dress with more care, as opposed to the jean shorts and tank tops I wore now.

I looked down at those Bugles on my fingers and my smile faded when I saw the way my hands were so unkempt. Not just because of the scars and horrifying memories they held, but because of how little I bothered to take care of myself. They were dry, and it was visible. I never did my hair anymore, and my natural beauty that Ryker used to marvel at was replaced with a sickly pale girl with dark circles and a resting frown.

But even still, all I seemed to think about was how Vic still wanted me. He didn’t care that I looked unhappy. He didn’t care that my hands were dry, or scarred. He didn’t care about any of that stuff as long as it was a part of me. And to be honest, it made me care for myself a little more. The scars on my hands seemed less shocking. The clothes I wore didn’t seem to matter anymore. All that mattered was Vic.

And even after admitting it to myself, even after finally opening my thoughts to myself, I still felt that hesitation within me. My fears were cowering down, pulling my excitement and hope right down with it.

I lifted my index finger up and ate the Bugle off of the tip, sighing as the flavor of the Bugle disappointed me. After allowing it to sit on my finger for so long is was cold and there was a slight grittiness to it. But that could have also be because I was at a rest stop, expecting the vending machine snacks to be fresh when they were probably stale.

“I like your shirt.”

I turned around, my eyes wide and my heart racing. Vic stood a couple yards away, his hands adjusting his snapback and his eyes fixated on me. This was the first time he had spoken to me since I had slapped him. Since he had insulted me.

He gestured toward my shirt. “Have you ever been?”

I looked down at my red shirt that was decorated with palm trees, the word “Hawaii” written in white across the chest. I had no idea where it came from, but for some reason it was in my suitcase so I went with it.

I shook my head. I wasn’t even able to muster up a two letter word.

Vic grew closer and I could smell his fresh scent. He smelled of shampoo and soap and freshly dried clothes. He smelled like home. “It’s lovely there. You should go.” He sat beside me as he spoke, letting out a breath after his body settled onto the bench.

“Vic, what are you doing here?” I asked, my voice quiet and soft.

Vic nodded in the direction of the women’s restroom. “I came here with Mike so he could take a shit and I could shower.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I said, trying to hide the slight chuckle in my voice. “I know you saw me leave the bathroom.”

“I did,” Vic nodded. “It took a moment for me to realize that you heard everything that Mike and I were saying before Mike went to run after you, but I decided to take a shower. I knew you would have stuck around. I’ve figured out how your brain works by now.”

“Have you?” I questioned, subtly referring to the night where Vic had insulted me for sleeping with Austin.

Vic sighed. “Well, I like to pretend that I have. Just when I think I’ve figured out, you turn around and surprise me.”

“I didn’t know surprise was synonymous with betray,” I muttered, pulling off the last of the Bugles and letting them drop to the floor. “Look, Vic-“

“No, me first. You don’t have to justify yourself. I deserved that slap, trust me, I know. But what I didn’t deserve was you leading me on. Sam, if you really didn’t want to see me anymore, you could have said something! I was being so persistent because I thought what we were feeling was a monotonous thing. I didn’t know you were seeing other people, and I now realize why you didn’t want to jump into anything with me. I feel like such an idiot for it, but really, it’s fine. We should have defined what sleeping together meant. I didn’t know you were such a sexual person…”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Vic’s words. Me? A sexual person? Sure, the events of the summer so far seemed to have given some people that impression, but Vic was right to assume that I was a monotonous person, because I was. I always had been and always would be. I never knew that Vic and I would end up sharing a connection, and I never knew that sleeping with Austin would have caused such an uproar within Vic. “Okay, when I slept with Austin, I had no idea that our friendship was going to turn into anything else, Vic. Before Austin, I hadn’t had sex in years. Years, Vic. I’m not a sexual person.”

“Then why did you even sleep with him?” Vic asked. “I’m not all that sexual either, but before I have sex with someone I need to feel a connection. I can’t have meaningless sex. And going off of what I know about you, I would assume the same would be for you. Do you have a connection with Austin?” Vic put his hands up in defense. “No crude insults this time, I swear.”

I chuckled a bit before shaking my head at the way he was trying to lighten the mood. Vic knew how much I hated serious conversations and how they got nowhere with me. I didn’t handle pressure very well.

“There you go shaking your head, again,” Vic chuckled. “I think your head is loose from your neck because that thing is always moving.”

“Stop it,” I chuckled, nudging him lightly with my shoulder. I enjoyed being in Vic’s company again, but I was still afraid. Afraid of betrayal and insults and of course myself and my feelings. “Austin and I had somewhat of a connection, I guess. He was very alluring and for some reason, I found myself reciprocating it. The entire time we were hooking up, my mind was elsewhere. Halfway through I could have sworn I forgot where I was. There was no connection. There was nothing and I regret hooking up Austin.

“After things changed with you, Vic, after we shared a night together and I found myself wanting to open up to you, I was lost and so confused. I went back to drinking and then somehow Austin was there, reeling me in and I almost hooked up with him again, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel safe, and not because I felt like he was going to hurt me, but because I only feel safe when I’m with you.”

“Where does that leave us? What does that mean?” Vic ushered, his hands moving with every syllable that he emphasized. “I know I keep bugging you about it, and asking and asking, but Samia, I need to know. If we keep on like this, I’m going to fall for you. And I need to know right now whether or not you want to fall with me, because if not, I really need to get away from the edge.”

“Vic, I…”

“No, I don’t want you to keep me hooked because you don’t know. If you don’t know, then just tell me your answer is no. I need you to be sure about me. Sure about us, because when I fall, it means something. I’ve been hurt in the past because I always love too much, and I need to prevent that from happening at all costs. I don’t think I can take it anymore.” Vic ended his speech in an awkward chuckle as his right arm reached behind his head to adjust the hair under his backwards hat.

I knew what my answer was, and it was time that I finally told him. “I want to try this, Vic. I’ve been so afraid of being with you but I want to try. Hearing you talk to Mike really made me feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time. For the first time I actually had a glimpse of hope.”

Vic’s smile that stretched across his face became so big that I could count every tooth he had. “Really?”

“Yes, really,” I said with a laugh. “But, we’ll have to just be relaxed about things. I’m going to try my hardest to let you in the best that I can, but I want to keep things a secret for now. I don’t want to be flashy or anything. Just relaxed and casual. We can see where this goes without pressure. Is that okay?”

“I’ll take it. I just can’t believe you said yes,” Vic gushed with a grin. “Does that mean that I can kiss you right now?”

The mood suddenly shifted. A blush took over my face but I didn’t mind because I was sure that my deathly complexion could use some color. Vic brought color to my dull life and I needed to accept that. “I don’t know, now I feel weird because you asked,” I admitted with a small laugh.

“Don’t act shy,” Vic smiled. “Come here.” He placed his finger under my chin and turned my head to face him. He placed his palm against the left side of my face, gently stroking over the apples of my cheeks. He didn’t spend too long building up to the kiss and moved in, pausing for a brief moment before I closed the space between us.

His lips against mine made every worry fade away. All that mattered was Vic and how much I wanted to make things work. Sure, I was still afraid of jumping into something serious and I was still worried about my personal phobias and quirks, but as long as Vic’s lips were against mine those things didn’t seem to matter as much.

Once Vic pulled away I was expecting all of my worries to weigh me down once again, but they didn’t. They didn’t come rushing back to me, and that was when I knew that I made the right decision.

“So, a secret?” Vic asked, his voice a whisper. I could hear the sadness in his voice and I knew how horrible it sounded to ask someone to be your dirty little secret, but it wasn’t like that.

I kissed his lips softly before I spoke. “Yeah, I just need to stay out of the limelight. I know how involved your fans can be and how nosy your friends can be, and because of some things I would like to keep a secret, I need to remain in the shadows for as long as possible. Please.”

“Okay, I’ll keep this quiet, but only if you tell me everything, Sam. I want to know you inside and out. If you’re agreeing to give this a shot, you have to work on trusting me more,” Vic whispered. He rested his head on my forehead and sighed. His breath smelled sweet and his skin felt smooth and I wanted nothing more than to remain in that position for as long as possible.

I sighed. “Okay,” I said, “I’ll work on it.”

As we walked back to the buses, Vic laced his hand with mine and I didn’t even flinch at the contact. I welcomed his hand’s embrace and squeezed it in return, never wanting to let it go. I don’t know what exactly changed in me while listening to the way Vic spoke about me to Mike, and the way Mike clearly knew that Vic was upset because of his feelings for me, but it made me realize how foolish I had been for the first half of the Warped Tour. There was a little less than half of the tour left, and the thought of having Vic by my side made it exciting and scary all at once. But I was ready. I was ready for whatever was in store for me.

Notes

Samia's Outfit
My goodness, it has been four months and I have just barely updated this?! I'm such a horrible person, I am so sorry. I am trying here, I really am. Please don't lose faith in me! Life is insane, I'm sorry.

Please let me know what you think! This chapter is HUGE! Samia has finally agreed to this. But why? Why has she suddenly changed? What do you think is going to happen for the remainder of the warped tour?

Love you all! Thank you for reading!