I still think you're beautiful, and I don't ever want to lose my bestfriend.
Jump in the fire if it burns you.
I woke up to an unfamiliar face next to me, his hands wrapped around my throat. The bad part about this was that this wasn't an unfamiliar face. This was a face I knew all too well now. I was choking now, I couldn't breathe. I looked down to see my stomach and arms sliced down the middle, I was bleeding uncontrollably. I felt tears falling from my eyes. Not from the physical pain, but the emotional pain. The emotional pain of this person, that I thought would never hurt me, hurting me in the worst way possible. I opened my mouth to speak, but then he just put his hand over my mouth.
"Don't fucking speak. This is all your fault. You deserve this." I tried fighting back, but he just put more force on my throat.
"Just let it happen. You deserve it, whore." I did deserve it. I didn't know why, but I did. And this was bound to happen anyways. I wanted this to happen. I didn't fight it anymore, I just let myself slip away..
I woke up to a person shaking me, my breathing was heavy and there were tears in my eyes. I was crying because I wanted that nightmare, no- dream, to be real. It's what I've wanted to happen for years. I wanted to be gone. I wanted it to happen. I thought it was real, and it wasn't.
"Carlee are you okay?"
"It felt so real.." I choked out.
"It was just a nightmare, what happened?" I just shook my head. I didn't want to tell Vic I had a dream about him choking me, slicing my wrists and my stomach open, forcing me to die..
"Carlee, tell me." he demanded.
"No.. Vic it was just a dream, it was nothing." I said.
"A dream? The way you were screaming didn't make it seem like a dream."
"It doesn't matter.."
"Please just tell me." he pleaded.
I just told him. I told him how he was choking me, how he sliced my arms open, how he let me bleed.. what he said to me, what he called me.. and how he killed me.
He just stared at me, eyebrows furrowed. He had a hurt expression on his face. I knew I shouldn't have told him. I got up from the bed and threw my shoes on.
"Vic this just can't happen. I'm too fucked up.." I said, walking out of his door and heading downstairs to grab my bag. He jumped out of the bed and followed me down the stairs. I grabbed my bag and turned around, just to come face-to-face with him. He looked me in the eyes and pulled me into his arms.
"I will never hurt you. Ever."
--
The rest of this week went by pretty fast, Aubrey hasn't bothered messing with me for awhile, thank God. I still got texts of people threatening me, but since I'm with Jaime and Tony almost all the time at school, people don't do shit about it. Vic and I have been hanging out almost everyday, sometimes the rest of the boys would be included. Tony wasn't really talking to me much lately though, which was really weird. We would talk occasionally at school, but he has been being pretty quiet lately.It was first period and Tony wasn't here yet. Class started and I just sat there quietly, waiting for Tony to show up. He never did. I walked into second period, hoping to see Tony there. He wasn't there either, he didn't show up. Now I was worried because I had this class with Ethan too. I took a seat and pulled out my phone.
To Tony:
Why aren't you here today?
From Tony:
Wasn't feeling good. Sorry.
To Tony:
Oh.. well feel better, ok?
From Tony:
It's not like you care.
What the fuck? Why is he acting like this? First he stops talking to me, then he says that?
To Tony:
Uh.. why wouldn't I care? You're my friend... what's wrong Tony?
From Tony:
It doesn't matter.
To Tony:
Yes it does. You've barely been talking to me the past few days, you don't show up to school, and now you're acting like this? What's wrong Tony?
From Tony:
Nothing is wrong. It doesn't matter anyways. Just stop texting me please.
To Tony:
Tony..
From Tony:
Bye.
I just sat there, staring at our texts. Why is he acting like this? I blinked and a tear fell from my eye. I hurried and wiped it away and locked my phone. I looked up to see the teacher staring at me.
"Did you not hear me, Ms. Devore? Bring your phone up here, now. And because you chose to ignore me, you won't be getting it back until a parent comes to pick it up." I stood up, tears falling from my face. Why the fuck are teachers so ignorant? I threw my phone at the wall past my teacher, completely shattering it and breaking it into pieces.
"Fuck you." I choked out, running out of the room. I just let my legs carry me wherever they wanted me to go. I continued running, out of the school, out into the street. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get hit by a car.. and hopefully die.
Unfortunately, there was no traffic anywhere. I walked onto the sidewalk and continued walking down the street. I'm just going to walk somewhere. Wherever my legs take me, I'll go.
I was walking for a good 30 minutes when I found myself at Vic's doorstep. I put my hand up to knock, but I couldn't do it. There is something seriously fucking wrong with me.
I walked out onto the sidewalk again. This time there was a car coming, and it was coming fast. It was still pretty far away though.
I'm just gonna throw myself in front of them. Maybe it'll work this time. I stepped a little closer to the street, the car almost approaching me.
The car was almost here. If I jump right now they'll hit me for sure. I took another step out, and threw myself into the street, closing my eyes, waiting for it to happen. Nothing did. I opened my eyes to see Vic holding me, tears in his eyes. I closed my eyes again, bringing my hands to my face. I shook my head violently. I didn't want him to see this. I didn't want anyone to see this. I've seen someone try to do this to themselves before.. my brother. It's the worst thing to have to see.. I felt so ashamed. This only made me hate myself more. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE TIME? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GONE? I yelled into my head.
"Because you need to be here." Vic said, lowering us to the ground. He sat down on the curb and pulled me into his lap. I didn't know I said that out loud..
"No I don't. I don't fucking deserve to be here. Why did you have to do that, Vic?" I cried, breathing uncontrollably. Tears started to fall from his face.
"Why can't you see what I see, Carlee? You are fucking perfect. You deserve to be here, I want you to be happy. It is literally killing me seeing you want to do this to yourself.."
I've never seen Vic cry. It hurt me so bad.. especially knowing I was the reason. I mentally punched myself in the face. I'm such a fuckup.
"You'd understand if you were me Vic.."
"Carlee. I do understand, I've been there. We've all been there. That doesn't mean you need to act on it. I know how you feel, trust me." he muttered.
"Vic.. you'd have to physically be in my being to understand what I'm feeling."
"Carlee, listen. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes life gets so hard that you don't want to be put through it anymore. Sometimes life is so stressful, and all you want to do is cry."
How is that supposed to make me feel better?
"But sometimes life is beautiful. Sometimes life is happy, and all you want to do is smile. Sometimes you just have to stay positive, and push through all of the hard times. Why? Because life is worth it. You are worth it."
"Please stop hurting yourself. Please just stop, Carlee. If you had actually gone through with that.. If I wasn't here to stop you.. Do you realize how I would feel?" he asked. I just shook my head. I didn't think it'd have any impact on him, to be honest.
"It'd fucking kill me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.. finding you out here, dead, on the street in front of my house.. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd probably find a gun, put it up to my head and be right there with you."
I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because, Carlee. I'd blame myself. I'd blame myself for not coming out here and saving you. I'd blame myself for not knowing you sooner, being with you through all your hard times.. I wouldn't be able to live with myself feeling like I was the reason you were gone."
"But you wouldn't be the reason, Vic." I sobbed.
"Yeah, but you wouldn't be here to tell me that."
Fuck.. I never thought about that. I never thought about how it would make everyone else feel. Oh my god.. Tony would probably think it was his fault too..
"Thank you so much Vic. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for being here and dealing with my crazy ass emotions.." I smiled. He pulled me up to him and squeezed me tight.
"Please promise me you won't try to do this again. Please." he begged.
"I promise."
I hated lying.
~
"Don't fucking speak. This is all your fault. You deserve this." I tried fighting back, but he just put more force on my throat.
"Just let it happen. You deserve it, whore." I did deserve it. I didn't know why, but I did. And this was bound to happen anyways. I wanted this to happen. I didn't fight it anymore, I just let myself slip away..
I woke up to a person shaking me, my breathing was heavy and there were tears in my eyes. I was crying because I wanted that nightmare, no- dream, to be real. It's what I've wanted to happen for years. I wanted to be gone. I wanted it to happen. I thought it was real, and it wasn't.
"Carlee are you okay?"
"It felt so real.." I choked out.
"It was just a nightmare, what happened?" I just shook my head. I didn't want to tell Vic I had a dream about him choking me, slicing my wrists and my stomach open, forcing me to die..
"Carlee, tell me." he demanded.
"No.. Vic it was just a dream, it was nothing." I said.
"A dream? The way you were screaming didn't make it seem like a dream."
"It doesn't matter.."
"Please just tell me." he pleaded.
I just told him. I told him how he was choking me, how he sliced my arms open, how he let me bleed.. what he said to me, what he called me.. and how he killed me.
He just stared at me, eyebrows furrowed. He had a hurt expression on his face. I knew I shouldn't have told him. I got up from the bed and threw my shoes on.
"Vic this just can't happen. I'm too fucked up.." I said, walking out of his door and heading downstairs to grab my bag. He jumped out of the bed and followed me down the stairs. I grabbed my bag and turned around, just to come face-to-face with him. He looked me in the eyes and pulled me into his arms.
"I will never hurt you. Ever."
--
The rest of this week went by pretty fast, Aubrey hasn't bothered messing with me for awhile, thank God. I still got texts of people threatening me, but since I'm with Jaime and Tony almost all the time at school, people don't do shit about it. Vic and I have been hanging out almost everyday, sometimes the rest of the boys would be included. Tony wasn't really talking to me much lately though, which was really weird. We would talk occasionally at school, but he has been being pretty quiet lately.It was first period and Tony wasn't here yet. Class started and I just sat there quietly, waiting for Tony to show up. He never did. I walked into second period, hoping to see Tony there. He wasn't there either, he didn't show up. Now I was worried because I had this class with Ethan too. I took a seat and pulled out my phone.
To Tony:
Why aren't you here today?
From Tony:
Wasn't feeling good. Sorry.
To Tony:
Oh.. well feel better, ok?
From Tony:
It's not like you care.
What the fuck? Why is he acting like this? First he stops talking to me, then he says that?
To Tony:
Uh.. why wouldn't I care? You're my friend... what's wrong Tony?
From Tony:
It doesn't matter.
To Tony:
Yes it does. You've barely been talking to me the past few days, you don't show up to school, and now you're acting like this? What's wrong Tony?
From Tony:
Nothing is wrong. It doesn't matter anyways. Just stop texting me please.
To Tony:
Tony..
From Tony:
Bye.
I just sat there, staring at our texts. Why is he acting like this? I blinked and a tear fell from my eye. I hurried and wiped it away and locked my phone. I looked up to see the teacher staring at me.
"Did you not hear me, Ms. Devore? Bring your phone up here, now. And because you chose to ignore me, you won't be getting it back until a parent comes to pick it up." I stood up, tears falling from my face. Why the fuck are teachers so ignorant? I threw my phone at the wall past my teacher, completely shattering it and breaking it into pieces.
"Fuck you." I choked out, running out of the room. I just let my legs carry me wherever they wanted me to go. I continued running, out of the school, out into the street. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get hit by a car.. and hopefully die.
Unfortunately, there was no traffic anywhere. I walked onto the sidewalk and continued walking down the street. I'm just going to walk somewhere. Wherever my legs take me, I'll go.
I was walking for a good 30 minutes when I found myself at Vic's doorstep. I put my hand up to knock, but I couldn't do it. There is something seriously fucking wrong with me.
I walked out onto the sidewalk again. This time there was a car coming, and it was coming fast. It was still pretty far away though.
I'm just gonna throw myself in front of them. Maybe it'll work this time. I stepped a little closer to the street, the car almost approaching me.
The car was almost here. If I jump right now they'll hit me for sure. I took another step out, and threw myself into the street, closing my eyes, waiting for it to happen. Nothing did. I opened my eyes to see Vic holding me, tears in his eyes. I closed my eyes again, bringing my hands to my face. I shook my head violently. I didn't want him to see this. I didn't want anyone to see this. I've seen someone try to do this to themselves before.. my brother. It's the worst thing to have to see.. I felt so ashamed. This only made me hate myself more. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE TIME? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GONE? I yelled into my head.
"Because you need to be here." Vic said, lowering us to the ground. He sat down on the curb and pulled me into his lap. I didn't know I said that out loud..
"No I don't. I don't fucking deserve to be here. Why did you have to do that, Vic?" I cried, breathing uncontrollably. Tears started to fall from his face.
"Why can't you see what I see, Carlee? You are fucking perfect. You deserve to be here, I want you to be happy. It is literally killing me seeing you want to do this to yourself.."
I've never seen Vic cry. It hurt me so bad.. especially knowing I was the reason. I mentally punched myself in the face. I'm such a fuckup.
"You'd understand if you were me Vic.."
"Carlee. I do understand, I've been there. We've all been there. That doesn't mean you need to act on it. I know how you feel, trust me." he muttered.
"Vic.. you'd have to physically be in my being to understand what I'm feeling."
"Carlee, listen. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes life gets so hard that you don't want to be put through it anymore. Sometimes life is so stressful, and all you want to do is cry."
How is that supposed to make me feel better?
"But sometimes life is beautiful. Sometimes life is happy, and all you want to do is smile. Sometimes you just have to stay positive, and push through all of the hard times. Why? Because life is worth it. You are worth it."
"Please stop hurting yourself. Please just stop, Carlee. If you had actually gone through with that.. If I wasn't here to stop you.. Do you realize how I would feel?" he asked. I just shook my head. I didn't think it'd have any impact on him, to be honest.
"It'd fucking kill me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.. finding you out here, dead, on the street in front of my house.. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd probably find a gun, put it up to my head and be right there with you."
I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because, Carlee. I'd blame myself. I'd blame myself for not coming out here and saving you. I'd blame myself for not knowing you sooner, being with you through all your hard times.. I wouldn't be able to live with myself feeling like I was the reason you were gone."
"But you wouldn't be the reason, Vic." I sobbed.
"Yeah, but you wouldn't be here to tell me that."
Fuck.. I never thought about that. I never thought about how it would make everyone else feel. Oh my god.. Tony would probably think it was his fault too..
"Thank you so much Vic. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for being here and dealing with my crazy ass emotions.." I smiled. He pulled me up to him and squeezed me tight.
"Please promise me you won't try to do this again. Please." he begged.
"I promise."
I hated lying.
~
@Moshforfuentes
haha, aw! thanks. the stories over now, but there is a sequel. :) thank you though!
2/11/14